Since moving into my new apartment, I’ve been having some coffee problems.

My grandmother bought me the cutest little 4-cup coffee maker and I was so excited to try it out.  It’s designed a little bit differently than the coffee maker I was used to at my parents’ house so when the first attempt at coffee turned out a little funky, I figured I just had some tinkering to do with my coffee grounds and water quantities.

Then the second attempt turned out equally funky, although slightly stronger with a higher coffee grounds-to-water ratio.

I am disappointed to report that there was no improvement with the third attempt, either.

I thought maybe I still had the proportions way off or perhaps I used the filter wrong?  Maybe the coffee maker needed to be washed again?  Maybe my tap water had a strong taste? Maybe I had a bad batch of coffee grounds?

I couldn’t figure out the problem as the coffee tasted pretty terrible no matter what I did.

Then, the other day, I got a coffee from the clubhouse at my apartment complex.  They were out of any sort of half & half or cream, which was no problem because I was headed back to my apartment anyway where there was half & half in my refrigerator.

I got back to my apartment and poured in a splash of half & half into my coffee.

I took a big swig, waiting to taste the robust flavor I had been missing for the past week.

…what the heck?

This tastes terrible!

Wait a minute…….it tastes just like the coffee I made with my coffee maker…….how is that possible?

And then my brain made some connections and I discovered the culprit of my coffee woes:

Normally this stuff makes coffee delicious and rich.  But look a little closer and you will see the problem here.

FAT-FREE Half & Half.

WHY???!!!??

That is what skim milk is for, people!

I must have picked this up at the store accidentally instead of the real stuff because the packaging is nearly identical.

I found this infuriating.

I made the mistake of buying low-fat sour cream once and was confronted by the same bizarrely sweet and unsatisfying dairy flavor.

Want to know a quick and easy way to ruin a delectable taco? Slap on some low-fat sour cream!

Go fat or go home.  That’s my stance on dairy products.

…other than milk.

While I do love whole milk on occasion, I would not recommend drinking it every day unless you are an infant or want to gain 30 pounds.

There has to be an exception to every rule, right?

Before you go, I have one more story of beverage injustice:

The other day, I decided to treat myself to a McDonald’s Coke.  I probably drink 5 Cokes per year so this was an indulgence for me.  And there is something special about the fountains at McDonald’s that makes their Cokes taste extry good (I am dead serious.  I’ve had discussions with people about it).

So I pulled up to the drive-thru and ordered myself a medium Coke. I drive up to the window and the cheery lady hands me my Coke and tells me to have a nice day.  (Aw. Thanks. You, too!)

As I was pulling away from the McDonald’s, I took a big sip of my Coke.

ACK! What is wrong with this Coke?!

It was diet Coke. The problem was its diet-ness.

The fat-free world is out to get me.

Y’all come back now, ya hear?

Sugarlump